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|Monday, November 24th, 2003|
i just spent at least 5 min. examining my bellyhole. it used to be a bellybutton, looking similar to popcorn, (the larger, remaining part of the kernel) it has smoothed out on the inside. slowly growing into an outie.
i'm very obviously putting off packing.
it's so much easier when you only have the "essentials" and everything already has its designated pouch. now i have two bags, oh my!
i love how some geminis can pick n'choose the emotions they actually want to experience.
ii guess we all have this ability, some just profess at it. uhg.
i still post here. i wanted to have a journal that wouldn't get stolen. but, when i really have something to say i don't put it here. seems kinda useless.
i'm not trying to socialize, or have my thoughts and feeling critiqed. i like to remember. to re-member. to come and experience that person/moment again.
there are many ways to reminisce. listening to a song, studying something that someone gave me. but w/ those i'm reflecting who i was then by who i am now.
i feel that reading a journal, in some circumstances, i have a choice.
i'm hopping on the dirty dog at 3 am. i wonder if encouragement is really the medicine i'm looking for. i'm not coming back til ocala, so i hope i'm cured.
i hope we all are.
|Thursday, November 20th, 2003|
|Wednesday, November 12th, 2003|
i've decided to leave again. i don't have anyone to confide in because i leave them.
and even if the bond is strong enough to last thru the physical distance-- the time apart, the need to re-feel one another out at every visit, the fact that people change constantly-- makes for almost impossible relationships. but, then again i also don't want to trouble anyone w/ my complexities.
i'm beginning to think that maybe i am running.
|Tuesday, November 11th, 2003|
the other night we went out to a friend's cabin. it was really nice on top of a hill. one room a couple beds, a good wood buring stove, and enough wood to last thru the winter. his friend tonya's gonna move in w/ her kids in the spring. tonya's really kind, she brought some magazines and a susan weed herbal book that i'm really excited about. it's nice to talk to tonya. she tells me about all the criticism she got at first. a lot of the exact same comments and we joked about our replies to them. she's has two amazing little girls. her presence in the world and a mother, gives confidence. but listening and watching them make their plans for the cabin/property made me a little frowny. a little wishful. wishing i had found that space that i was ready to stay. wandering when and if i would rid myself of the traveling bug.
i worry about all the stuff that i'm sure everybody goes thru. i worry about the fact that we worry. rayven wanders if we'll have enough money; i wander if we'll be the examples we want. hmmm
|Saturday, November 8th, 2003|
you have a thought, idea, image floating... that they really wanna know.
come on, tell me!
you relent for good reason. not so much sparing, but knowing.
they don't let up.
alright, alright! you share the image, and thought.
they look at you w/ regret. they thought they knew what you lived w/, yet never really imagioned what it pertained to. they are disturbed. they thought they knew you.
then it all comes back. the twitch under the covers. the reason you call people as soon as you wake up. why you choose to sleep that way.
i only know my reflection of you. did i close my mind to what i could be? *for you; i'm available* did i miss what you were saying to me. not deep, momentary. at that moment. did i miss that stop. did i not see that train. did we whirl into this?
the worms separate, and this one discovers. this one IS gravity. this one CAN avoid. can go anywhere. beyond that being. beyond you. beyond your knowledge of being. AND BE. before the cleats smear into your my lips. a gun comes out sprays fire down my vagina. down past. towards an ancient civilization of being yum
|Thursday, November 6th, 2003|
i've been looking at my midwifery options. i might just go oregon to squeeze 'im out. maybe even up to indiana.
|Monday, October 6th, 2003|
i wander why i washed a truck. it looked worse atfwrerds nd it smelled like degreaser. the air is crisp here. i wander why autumn
makes me so giddy, yet the thought of winter makes me nervous. i wander why i never made it back to rapid this summer. the little bean isn't making me feel sick so much anymore. i smell gravy and it's making m
ungery. sad i won't eat it. got turned down for that credit card, i didn't even know i
put my name on anything. i think i know how. there's a bird on the porch. he leaves pretty red and toap feathers for us. rayven arranges them on his alter. rayven eats my food and i hiss. scavenger. he doesn't even tell me where the it is so i can rip it apart for him. i paint eggs as x-mas ornaments. i don't know why. he says i could sell them. i think i would be embarrassed. i like blowing the guts thru the tiny holes. i like seeing peoples reactions. i'm overwhelmed by the odors outside. i get mad wehn she smkoes wehn i am in the room. lkie i epxcet erveynoe to take my prengasny itno cosndieratoin. soemobdy tlod me taht we dno't raed wrods in odrer, but by meomry. as lnog as the frsit and lsat lteter are corecrt we can raed it wtihuot too mcuh diffciluty. i cna't wiat utnil hlaloewen!
|Monday, September 15th, 2003|
| Why does crying completely exhaust you?
a couple months ago i was concerned because i felt that i couldn't cry. even if i was frustrated or lonely. seems like reason was keeping me from doing so.
but, now... now i'm surprised my ducts haven't dried out. become two flaky craters in my face.
i thought i was over this. i thought had i found a solution. a way to overcome myself, my own self-destructive ways.
i can't get up in the morning. i can't motivate myself to do anything, but clean the house. i can't motivate myself to do anything for myself. i lay in the hammock and stare at the wall day. i contemplate leaving, but feel hopeless. whenever rayven brings up his concern, all i can do is cry. and when i talk to him about it, i feel myself beside this voice wondering who's saying all this.
i'm once again driving myself crazy. two daze ago i tried to leave the house. go for a walk. anything. when i got outside i saw a man walking w/ his kids, i felt a pressure in my chest and crouched back behind the house. i tried again, as i started for the road i heard a small dog screeching at the passerbys. the sound rang thru my head and sent a chill down my spine. i felt paniced and ran back into the house.
i told rayven about it and he said, you can hitchhike across the country, but you can't walk around a harmless little subdivision? i felt just as silly about it at the time, but somehow couldn't rationalize myself.
i picture this part of my journey as being this metaphorical, delusional mirror. this cloud infront my eyes making everything look uncontrollably complex, putting myself out of my own reach. rayven seems to think it's a healing process, against my ego or something. i have my theories, but i think i'm done boring anyone that may read this.
as a result of my feeling pasted to the floor today, i gave in and drank a cup of coffee. after not having any kind of caffeine for over two months, this is quite the experience, WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO! i'm completely complacent in the idea of grinding my teeth and my heart beating it's way out of my chest :D
|Sunday, September 7th, 2003|
|it's finally coming into focus.
one of the only plans that has managed to stay on my wishlist for the past year. a way to travel and never again put two thoughts into the weather. no more, it's too cold there this time of year, or it's still rainy season there, or there's no hitching around there. no more!
the port'a'squatty is on it's way! they're waiting for the title right now! a greyhound! '87
a biiiig motherfucker! it'll take a lot more gas... probably take us days to filter the fry grease to fill a tank, but it'll last us half across the country!(okay, i might be exaggerating on the filtration)
and yippie, there's already a toilet, so we don't even have to think about that! it's half stripped already. just few hound seats left, which we might use. a good a/c system is very possible. in fact, i think hounds are already insulated, so heating and cooling will be ten times better! it might eliminate the problem of condensation w/ a load of sleepers. and the store space underneath, holyshit, you could put bunks down. fuck, we could have traveling circus under our house!
i'm so icrediblely stoked, i could comb my hair!
|Saturday, August 23rd, 2003|
i went down and applied for that job i was whining about... and got it. but, it may be too bad! the kid that interviewed me, lives right down the street from me and is pretty real. i guess he used to own some night club in d.c. and when i started filling out my paper work and asks if i could pass a drug test. i repy w/ i think so. 'cause he can get around it. he asked what would be in it. pot. you mean no oxies, etc. no, like i said, i'm not from here. slightly odd, he said he had a big problem w/ junkies here.
i guess i could understand a bunch of junk being somewhere where there's nothing to do, than tweek. i never could understand tweekers in the middle of nowhere, other than availablity.
anyway, rayme, a kid i lived w/ on orcas, works there! he's alot of fun. it sounds like a buncha kids that are friends w/ rayven, work there. so, it might be alright.
i start monday. washing dishes, yes that's what applied for. i don't think could handle food right now and my dreds enables me from serving. i don't mind dishwashing though. nobody really bothers you and you can just listen to music all day.
|Friday, August 22nd, 2003|
|POooping the question.
what is it about marriage that it seems some people almost need?
what is the desire?
is the "i do"? vows? witnesses? the papers that you can see and feel? the names?
i'm not doing the papers, but i can't figure out if i'm doing it for my self or not.
i don't see why other people do it and i think, in that, i can't figure out what part of it i might want...
or just can't let go of the fact that i think rituals are silly and that i've tried so hard, thus far, not to participate.
i guess i just want other peoples ideas and input...
i tried, yet again, to get up early. no cookie. i started getting sick after lees than an hour and spent the res of the day on the floor. then i went out to pick up job applications.
how depressing. i just can't get myself to accept it. not any aspect of it. the applications. as soon as i start filling one out i turn into satirical bitch of the year. the choking down everyones shit and grinning like you enjoy doing whatever it is that you don't care about, for someone you've never even met. oi. say,i go to an interview and they notice i was self employed, (landscaping) and they ask 'so, why was it that you enjoyed this job more than the others?' hmmmm... and YOU are going to be telling ME how to function here? wooow! i'm really manifesting a beautiful next few months for myself.
rayven actually pulled the 'what are we gonna do?' statement, the other day. funny, i thought i was in charge of the silly worried-full questions. not that i hadn't thought the same thing, but we both know better. whatever feels right. then sit back and watch it all work out.
i just hope the bus works out. it's like it keeps getting real close, then driving away. it just seems like it needs to work this time.
i'm being severely pesimistic... i should go to bed.
|Monday, August 18th, 2003|
|Why people fear change...
i know this is definitely the next stage in my process. (divine purpose and all that jazz) but, seeing how well all the pieces of the plot fit and accepting it are two totally different things.
i'm pregnant... and after doing some research, i can't handle the idea of aborting.
it didn't come as a huge shock. i've definitely been feeling it for the past month. and this phycic lady told me i would be around this time when i was in cali.
rayven seems pretty excited. i mean i am too, but i also feel crappy. i couldn't imagine doing it w/ anyone else. and neither of us feel so lost anymore.
it seems like he came out for this reason. we had grrrrreat sex the night he got to chicago, we both new i could be ovulating, fullmoon n' all! we're pretty sure that's when it happened. shortly after that we decided that road stress breaks people apart all too often, that we didn't want that to happen, so we'd get a bus.
i tried to stay on the road, but i physically couldn't handle it. so, we came back to kentucky and we're already on our way to getting a bus for work trade!
we're having a wedding ceremony soon 'n all. no, paper signing, just a celebration, and it'll probably make our families happy!
but, all sounds really NOT like me. but, whaat is "me" anyway, huh?
i'm not going to conform for this at all. i'll still be on the road fighting the system. in fact, the baby will NOT have social security #. rayven's got a felony, so the temptation isn't even there. (welfare: we can't get 'cause of that, i could get it w/out him, but he'd have to pay child support,i wouldn't do that and i would never be involved w/ those people!)
NO public schooling
NO dumb baby accessories
hell, we could just keep popping them out and start a small army!
|Friday, August 1st, 2003|
|Apathetic in Appalachia
i had a dream last night where i smoked a cigarette w/ brown sugar in it. (day # 7 on kicking tobacco) i'm dreaming again, so i don't mind if they're silly or not.
i just found myself starring off at my new kelty pack...(well, new to me. only one broken un-important strap and i'll get that fixed next time i go thru colorado) but, i was thinking how much i've up-graded gear since i left ocras. how much i've up-graded since i left rapid! hell, i've got all new gear since then. (except 4 my purple $10 sleepingbag. some how this thing has always made it back to me. it's more loyal than a dog! so i haven't been able to up-grade that, not to mention pat w/ it. even though it's a little bulky, dingy, all kinds of patched and doodled on; but, hey that's all character, righ?) in cali i let go of/kicked down so much gear i guess i was bound to get it back. it's just funny to watch it happen. i think about gear alot for some reason. my cousin said 'cause it's my life. i'd like to think that it consists of atleast a little more than that.
it's boecome one of my favorite pass-tymes, though. admiring my present company and i's packs stacked neatly alongside the highway or leaning up against the no pedestrian/no hitchhiking sign. a little temporary condo waiting to be stuffed and frantically rearranged into the next "where ya headed".
i wonder why people romanticize the road/traveling so much. i mean, free traveling can be really rough. maybe, that's what's so enticing. hell, i'd join a hitch hikers' army, get tattoos, and whatnot, but i don't REALLY know why. maybe, it's probably the free part. i guess it's just love of the experience. sure.sounds good.
|Wednesday, July 30th, 2003|
okay, so i guess alot has happened since i last wrote anything here... since humbolt i guess.
well, after 4:20 i caught a ride w/ sum kids up to the san juan islands (washington) had an awesome tyme out there- full of "me changing" experiences. after a couple months my tyme there was obviously done and
_____________________________all the good untold stuff in between___________________________
i headed back east to indiana for an old friends wedding. i am, bytheway, never going crosscountry 4 another fucking wedding again. EVER!
then i made my up to chicago. laid around @ my dad's house moping about boy i left on orcas... for fear of my attachment, for fear of another gemini, for the fun of fearing!
at this point i was supposed to being try to get the $ for my ticket to kauai. and he was supposed to be out there. after a week of wallowing around my father's i receive a call from none other than, rayven. and i was so happy. where are u? i ask... in terre haute... WHAT!!!
he just came all the way cross country 4 me and now the poor boy's got to hitch thru indiana 2 chicago in the rain, bluck. he got dropped off in southside,(not really known for it's kindness)but he meets these people that invite us over and they turn out to be this awesome jazz band and they ask rayven to come play @ the club w/ them! and blah blah blah...
anyway, now i'm in kentucky, yeeehaawl! we hitched around kentucky for a few days, but i wasn't wearing any shoes and the hot pavement, well, we had to come back. but, now i understand why...
we're presently waiting on the final answer to go back out to washington and do work-trade for a full sized diesel school bus! i'm trying not to get my hopes too high, but, no, i'm so fucking stoked!
|Wednesday, April 16th, 2003|
| humbolt county is trying 2 suck me in, eeeeck!
wow, i haven't done this in min.
i met a cool kid in santa barbra, and he helped me break free from sum people. in doingso, i ended up in arcata... on mountain... in the middle of a snow storm. that was a tripp! but, i've over told the story, kinda sorry.
now i'm just in garberville waiting for 4/20... doo dee doo...
i'm a little torn on getting a bus. it's getting close and now i'm starting to change my mind.
|Saturday, March 22nd, 2003|
So, i presently possess the clothes i'm wearing, a lighter, a sharpie, and a shitty swiss army knife. Have i reached my goal? was this my goal? i was down-sizing... i think i have. i don't any kind of stress right now. and i haven't really made any effort to find the r.v. that my things are in.
the past few days have been amazing- all i've been doing is dancing& singing in the streets and through stores and restaurants all night; sleeping right infront of city hall; and just being family w/ everyone around me. It's really sad that it takes something like war for this to happen, but, fuck, i'll enjoy it while i can!
note to self:(while i'm thinking of ti)no more morphine for moog.
yeah, i guess i dodo drugs every now and then- funny i regret every time, hmmm.
the only thing that has been bothering me lately is thatmy practicing patience seems to attract more and more people to testing it. seems like every fucking street person thinks they're some kind of jedi master(w/a few exceptions) and that everyone else is just one step below them. i never enjoyed pushy preachers, yet i can't really find a good for me to get around it. idunno
i guess i could just start slitting troats
*on a brighter note: i met this kid the other day, i think i'll be spending a lot more tyme w/ him :)
|Thursday, March 20th, 2003|
|The divine dicotomy
i AM guilty of contradictions, as the rest of the universe.
i had my first taste of a billy club today, and it was amazing!
i don't see myself as a leader, but today i took on that role right away.
i was walking towards the library earlier this evening and could(forno apparent reason) smelt riot in the air. further down the street i heard people yelling and started booking it down the street. peace rally in the streets! right away i was handed the banner and we got the bright idea to head for tthe freeway.(101) on the way up the on ramp i saw the cops coming in full riot gear. i told everyone to join arms and started the unite chant. i have to admit i wss scared. then i grounded myself. and we push foward. we successfully blocked traffic for 45 min.!!(until they pulled out the tear gas & rubber bullets- idon't think anyone was ready for that) and only 6 people were arrested. the rally continued on for about 2 more hours in the streets of santa barbra.
i have no voice, my shoulders and sides are bruised, and my feet are covered in blisters, yet i feel great! about myself and our efforts.
now, i'm ready to head for the hills and prepare. call me crazy, but this sounds like a world war to me. and... yeah, i'm fucking crazy!
|Wednesday, March 19th, 2003|
|Send it our way!
War is coming, yippie. I used to be so anti that now don't care. In fact that seems to be my new favorite phrase.(always w/ a smile on my face, of coarse) It really seems to both a lot of people, though i mean nothing bad. People kill one another- i don't care!
people say mean things to me- i don't care! They're all just being and that's great. i know this is all an illusion, i don't care. i'm so humble not caring- just being.
we are all one- no positive or negative- no up or down- so, it's all beautiful. these are very exciting times. every senario ends w/ a fall of this babylon. and that's beautiful. i plan to prepare. i plan to hit the hills and be w/ open arms for everyone. you, who called me a worthless piece of shit- you, who fed me when i was hungry- you, who didn't see past my dirty clothes and grin... i remember my grandma telling me about the rapture and horrible things would be after. and i remember wanting to see it- be it.
i strongly dislike war, but if it makes the walls all come crumibling down- then may show begin.
i'm in santa barbra,ca. i've made around $250-300 so far. and gave it all away. being able to that is a really beautful feeling. they just passed a law today that no buses, vans,etc. could park in town for more than 2 hrs. naturally that's where all the $$$ went. but, i think it's over and now i'm bored.i've been missing alot of people the past. i hate that w/ sum people physical distance create all around distance. boo hoo. guess it comes w/ the occupation.